I started this blog roughly 30 months ago. It was intended as a means to communicate with our friends and family that hated facebook. We were pregnant with Maddie and full of joy and hope for our future.
A lot has changed in 30 months. Today my goal is to share what I've learned over these past 30 months and also provide a quick "where we are now"
What I've learned
1. Tragedy brings out the worse in everyone. Prolonged tragedy (like having a chronically sick child) can make you a horrible person. I was my worse self the year after Maddie's death. I was selfish, depressed, angry, tired and just generally pissed off. I had no compassion, generiousity, grace or energy to give. I've seen others take up drugs and drinking in this same time frame. Still others became abusive and cruel. It won't last forever (probably) but if you aren't careful, your worse self can drive away everyone you love before you "find yourself" again.
2. Life is hard. Really freaking hard. But so worth it. As we grow in our relationships, we do better when we remember that life is hard enough on it's own - don't create drama. Don't fight someone with the expectation that nagging and bickering will change them. You cannot browbeat someone into bettering themselves. Just love each other, even when it freaking sucks. Even when your love is their worse self.
3. When you say you love someone, know what it means to them. For me, love means accepting me as I am. I am a hyprocrite in this area - I find it so hard to love others when they are at their worse and struggling to rise again.
4. Have some grace. Allow others to make honest mistakes, even huge ones without diminishing their love stock.
5. If being right means hurting someone else, be wrong. If being right means isolating someone else when they need you, be wrong. If being right means endless drama, a lack of grace or a lack of love, be wrong.
6. Create an environment in which your love can be completely vulnerable. Help them feel safe enough that they can come to you and say "Help. I'm hurt and I'm broken and I'm sad. Inside, I'm a little child and I need you to parent me. Tomorrow, I'll be myself again but today I need you."
7. Even if your love is their worse self, when they make life hard, when they don't show love or grace, even when they hurt you, find a way to maintain your self. Don't forget your intrigrity, your core values or your strengths. Once lost, even for a moment, there will be those who spend the rest of their lives reminding you of your mistakes.
8. Say thank you and I'm sorry. Hug each other. Really long and really hard even when you know it won't lead to sexy time. Do this always.
Where we are now:
- Dillan is four and a half. He's an amazing little man getting ready to start pre-K. His favorite super hero is spider man, he is the pickest vegetarian (his choice - we constantly try to get him to eat bacon), and he loves animals. He asks me about death or Maddie almost every day and sobs if we read a sad story. He loves to paint his nails as much as he loves to kill imaginary bad guys with his amazing ninja kicks.
- Luke got a job teaching math full time at our local community college. He just completed another century. He maintains a great apartment and is looking to buy a home in the area.
- Lisa (that's me) is still teaching part-time. I start at Cal State Monterey Bay this fall to get a master's degree in Instructional Science and Technology. In about 18 months, I hope to switch careers and become an instructional designer or curriculum manager for an online school.
- The Madelyn Spence Foundation is a real thing. But it is completely dormant. I hope to revitalize it within the next 6 months but I do not yet have any firm plans about what comes next.
- Our families and friends are amazing and loving and supportive. I thank God for them every day.
We are all happy. CDH and grief have all affected us differently, but we are moving forward, one baby step at a time.
