Months ago, I wrote about the Crisis of Faith this past year, especially Maddie's death, has caused in my life. And I'm not sure it's completely over yet, but for the moment, my faith is restored.
Before you shout Amen or roll your eyes (just depends on your perspective), I want to stress that God and I have been working really hard on this together. And the nature of my faith has changed - drastically - and will likely continue to evolve for years to come.
In reading CS Lewis book, A Grief Observed and Angie Smith's I Will Carry You, I was livid. Both are wonderful books and a must read during your lifetime, even if you don't know intense grief yet. But both authors refer to having a crisis of faith, both doubt God, both get mad at Him and both are restored. What made me mad was that there was no story in their restoration. They didn't explain or expound or give me anything of the logistics of their renewal in God and in their salvation.
I have tried to bridge that gap. In this blog, in my conversations and in the book I have written in my head (but not put onto paper so don't get excited), I have tried to explain the hard parts that are usually skipped in narratives. The parts that are hard to write, hard to read and hard to explain. I may fail, but I try.
Unfortunately, I can't even try this time. My faith literally came back in an instant. It took years for me to start to consider myself a "follower" of Christ, months of crisis to lose my faith and months of living with doubt, no hope and an overly healthy sense of cynicism for me to just realize that God is here.
NOthing spectacular happened. I suddenly just found that I could legitimately pray again. I could hear God's word and nothing feel slighted by it. I could sing the words of a praise song - and I mean sing. It just happened.
I don't understand why Maddie lived and died like she did. And i will continue to ask. I don't know why God didn't answer our prayers with her but do recognize all of the hundreds of thousands of times my prayers have been answered, including during Maddie's life and since she passed.
My hope as I've searched for Jesus these past months is that if my faith came back, it would come back strong enough to stand. I feel as though I have replaced a house of straw with a foundation of brick. i have laid one, maybe two bricks upon that foundation but they are solid.
I know that a fair amount of my readers are staunch atheist and that is ok with me. I firmly believe that if Jesus sought me (twice) and helped me believe in salvation (twice), that I'm either crazy or He is doing what He needs to do with you, even if you never call it faith or salvation or Christ. It may just be your ingrained ability to love and a live a moral life. Never the less, whatever you have going on spiritually or otherwise, I am open to so long as you continue to read with an open mind and heart and allow me to express myself honestly.
I know that a fair amount of my readers are very Christian and believe 99% of the dogma that comes with the territory. And thats ok too. I did, probably still do in a lot of ways I don't recognize. I do ask that you take the time to be as the Berans and challenge yourself and your small group. God does not answer all prayers, He does not work all things out for our good. Questioning God, challenging Him, asking Him why do not hurt his feelings or cause Him to abandon us. He does love us and He does work things out for His good. Praying is about spending time with God and trying to align yourself with His heart and His will. I have more to say on this issue but recognize that my soap box is bigger then I can handle right this second.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Harmony, Unity and Health
Several years ago, a friend died in Kuwait on his way into Iraq. It was a horribly tragic accident which devastated a lot of people, especially his family. I was able to serve his family as the causality assistance officer, basically a liaison between the family and the Army. His family were members of a small catholic church, his best friend's family the members of a large baptist church. This is in a small Mennonite town. Sounds like the beginning to a great joke, but i swear i'm coming around to a point in this narrative.
Because it was a small town and his family is/was well liked and respected, we expected upwards of a 1000 people to attend the funeral. Clearly too many for his small church to accommodate. The baptist church was willing to host, but was still a little too small. So the pastor of the baptist church and the priest of the catholic church, together with other local leaders, convinced the elders of the Mennonite church to allow a catholic service to be held in their sanctuary. If you know anything about these three sects of Christianity, just about the only thing they have in common is Christ.
Despite their very different points of views and closely held ideologies, they were able to come together as one body in Christ to honor my friend and serve his family. It was one of the most amazing acts of true Christian behavior I have ever witnessed and served as a powerful testimony of Christ's love to everyone.
Since deciding 2 weeks ago to start a foundation in Maddie's memory, I have been reminded multiple times that many CDH organizations already exist. Why would I want to go to the trouble of starting my own just to spend my time and effort doing something that someone else already does and probably does better?
My best answer is that it's important to me to feel like I'm actively doing something positive with this loss and doing it in a way I wish it had been done for my family. My other answer is that we are all one community under the CDH, sick baby, sick child, deceased child umbrella. To me, it doesn't matter if I raise $500 for CDH families or if someone else does, so long as that $500 is being raised and used to help each other.
More to the point, the Madelyn Spence Foundation may only participate in one sporting event. We may only do one fundraiser. We may only help one family establish a benevolence fund. And after that, we may fizzle out and dissolve into nothingness. Or, less likely, we may become the biggest nonprofit in the world and raise millions upon millions of dollars. I imagine that most nonprofits that start, just like most businesses that start, last for 3 years or less.
But I firmly believe that during those 3 years, we can all serve as force multipliers for each other, spreading the message, raising awareness and hopefully increasing funds for the nonprofits that stick around for the long haul. Much like the three small churches finding ways to work together and support their community, I am hopeful that Maddie's Mob can achieve the same sense of harmony and unity with other nonprofits when and if appropriate.
I also wanted to address my health - I was discharged from the partial hospitalization treatment program last week and feel like a new woman. I am optimistic again. I am focused again. I have a hope and a joy and a belief in the future that was missing for far too long. When the time came where something was going to give and I was sure it was going to be my life and/or my sanity, I am so thankful that this treatment plan was an option. It truly saved my life as well as my marriage and my health.
I am now considered an out patient, meaning lots of medical appointments and medication adjustments but no acute behavior health problems. Dealing with "real life" for almost a week now, I would go further and say I am a much healthier and happier person then I was even before Maddie's death and getting better every day.
Because it was a small town and his family is/was well liked and respected, we expected upwards of a 1000 people to attend the funeral. Clearly too many for his small church to accommodate. The baptist church was willing to host, but was still a little too small. So the pastor of the baptist church and the priest of the catholic church, together with other local leaders, convinced the elders of the Mennonite church to allow a catholic service to be held in their sanctuary. If you know anything about these three sects of Christianity, just about the only thing they have in common is Christ.
Despite their very different points of views and closely held ideologies, they were able to come together as one body in Christ to honor my friend and serve his family. It was one of the most amazing acts of true Christian behavior I have ever witnessed and served as a powerful testimony of Christ's love to everyone.
Since deciding 2 weeks ago to start a foundation in Maddie's memory, I have been reminded multiple times that many CDH organizations already exist. Why would I want to go to the trouble of starting my own just to spend my time and effort doing something that someone else already does and probably does better?
My best answer is that it's important to me to feel like I'm actively doing something positive with this loss and doing it in a way I wish it had been done for my family. My other answer is that we are all one community under the CDH, sick baby, sick child, deceased child umbrella. To me, it doesn't matter if I raise $500 for CDH families or if someone else does, so long as that $500 is being raised and used to help each other.
More to the point, the Madelyn Spence Foundation may only participate in one sporting event. We may only do one fundraiser. We may only help one family establish a benevolence fund. And after that, we may fizzle out and dissolve into nothingness. Or, less likely, we may become the biggest nonprofit in the world and raise millions upon millions of dollars. I imagine that most nonprofits that start, just like most businesses that start, last for 3 years or less.
But I firmly believe that during those 3 years, we can all serve as force multipliers for each other, spreading the message, raising awareness and hopefully increasing funds for the nonprofits that stick around for the long haul. Much like the three small churches finding ways to work together and support their community, I am hopeful that Maddie's Mob can achieve the same sense of harmony and unity with other nonprofits when and if appropriate.
I also wanted to address my health - I was discharged from the partial hospitalization treatment program last week and feel like a new woman. I am optimistic again. I am focused again. I have a hope and a joy and a belief in the future that was missing for far too long. When the time came where something was going to give and I was sure it was going to be my life and/or my sanity, I am so thankful that this treatment plan was an option. It truly saved my life as well as my marriage and my health.
I am now considered an out patient, meaning lots of medical appointments and medication adjustments but no acute behavior health problems. Dealing with "real life" for almost a week now, I would go further and say I am a much healthier and happier person then I was even before Maddie's death and getting better every day.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Maddie's Mob
Big exciting news!
We are not operational yet, but are far enough along that I feel safe announcing that Maddie's family has gathered together and are in the process of forming the non-profit organization "The Madelyn Spence Foundation". Our foundation will be nicknamed 'Maddie's Mob' and we have an interm website here:
https://sites.google.com/site/maddiesmob/
We are not operational yet, but are far enough along that I feel safe announcing that Maddie's family has gathered together and are in the process of forming the non-profit organization "The Madelyn Spence Foundation". Our foundation will be nicknamed 'Maddie's Mob' and we have an interm website here:
https://sites.google.com/site/maddiesmob/
- The Madelyn Spence Foundation raises awareness for babies and families affected by Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia by telling and retelling Madelyn Spence's story.
- Current fundraising efforts focus on providing grants to the families of CDH babies to help with the extreme costs of having a sick child or the death of a baby.
- The organization will serve as a vehicle to establish and distribute benevolence funds for other CDH families.
For our inaugural event, we are encouraging as many Maddie lovers as possible to Join the Mob at the Goleta Beach Triathlon on July 29, 2012. There are three events to choose from and 10 reasons why you should join us:
1. You can walk for 1 hour or more
2. You own or can acquire a bike
3. You can swim without drowning (most of the time). If not, you can skip the swim in the duathlon.
4. You've always wanted to spend a long weekend in Santa Barbara
5. You are military and don't have kids so you can afford it (yes this means you, go ahead and register now)
6. You need a good reason to focus on getting in shape over the next 7 months
7. You really want to do something to support us, but haven't known what to do
8. You aren't going to be pregnant on July 29th.
9. You want to attend the first annual Madelyn Spence Foundation Party
and the top reason to Join the Mob:
10. You want to honor Madelyn's memory is a very tangible way.
Within the next few weeks, I will announce the sale of Mob training clothing, including shirts, shorts, hats and more. All proceeds will go to The Madelyn Spence Foundation's first grant.
Ok, so go register for the Tri and let me know so I can feature you on the web site. My vision is to have hundreds of members of Maddie's Mob on the course, if not this year then in the coming years.
1. You can walk for 1 hour or more
2. You own or can acquire a bike
3. You can swim without drowning (most of the time). If not, you can skip the swim in the duathlon.
4. You've always wanted to spend a long weekend in Santa Barbara
5. You are military and don't have kids so you can afford it (yes this means you, go ahead and register now)
6. You need a good reason to focus on getting in shape over the next 7 months
7. You really want to do something to support us, but haven't known what to do
8. You aren't going to be pregnant on July 29th.
9. You want to attend the first annual Madelyn Spence Foundation Party
and the top reason to Join the Mob:
10. You want to honor Madelyn's memory is a very tangible way.
Within the next few weeks, I will announce the sale of Mob training clothing, including shirts, shorts, hats and more. All proceeds will go to The Madelyn Spence Foundation's first grant.
Ok, so go register for the Tri and let me know so I can feature you on the web site. My vision is to have hundreds of members of Maddie's Mob on the course, if not this year then in the coming years.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Things get Better?!?!?! Smack my Head!
Bad Things are going to happen and they don't have to ruin my life. Or yours.
This simple statement may seem, well, simple to you. But it has taken me years of therapy and more recently, a month long stay as a psych patient, to figure this simple statement out and own it as a truth.
Its as obvious as saying that alcohol and drug abuse are bad. Sure you know it, but it isn't until someone says:
"(Those) emotionally dependent upon alcohol or drugs (have the) foundation of (their every) relationship (in) on emotional quicksand. Whatever progress you think you are making as a (person or couple) today will tend to unravel in the future. The reason is that addiction or even psychological dependence on a substance will alter a person's capacity for certain feeling states that are essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. Feelings, like empathy, curiosity, spiritual appreciation, and deference will usually become numbed. Othermore stimulating motivations like pride, dominance, and hyper-reaction will tend to be overemphasized instead." (Adapted from Virginia Satir's The Four Most Toxic Syndromes in a Marriage).
For me, its a smack my head moment. Of course! Why didn't I know this sooner. Again, simply put, you don't know what you don't know. I had no idea that such horrible and horrific events didn't ruin everyone's life. In fact, I've spent the last couple of months mystified that my fellow bereaved mothers can continue on. I've been even more concerned that people who knew and loved Maddie could continue on.
Of course, the real mystery is how I have gotten through life so far without developing a single effective coping mechanism for such tragic loss. My hypothesis is that some of us end up with PTSD or as pysch patients or with chemical dependencies or some other mental imbalance because we aren't capable (mentally, emotionally or psychologically) of reacting any other way to life's most horrible events. And we assume that anyone else in our situation would have had the same reaction, taken on the same imbalance and are confused that the great big world of "they" don't seem to see it our way.
The second part of my hypothesis is that the more tragedy we, the imbalanced, have experienced, the more likely each tragedy will tear our lives more and more apart.
But now FREEDOM!!! my whole world changed today - it doesn't have to be this way! Once I realized this, I immediately envisioned a mental file cabinet in which I can store all of these amazing coping mechanisms I have learned in therapy. And when (not if) the next tragedy comes around, I can access this file cabinet and deal with it as a well adjusted adult.
I do not have to be emotionally absent. I do not have to be aggressive or defensive or deceptive about how I am really feeling. I do not have to be afraid or ashamed that something horrible happened in which I had no control. I now get it - that is just life. And sometimes life sucks. A lot. And unfortunately, grief and tragedy are a part of life. And we can't control it. But we can work really hard and coach (not control) ourselves through the worse life has to offer and choose to deal with it in a way that leads to a productive, well adjusted and happy life.
For me, intense therapy was the only path for me to start to return to a path of productive, well adjusted and happy. One more week before they release me to try all of this theory out on real life. Thank you for all of your support - I am hopeful that I am ready to start supporting my friends and family again.
This simple statement may seem, well, simple to you. But it has taken me years of therapy and more recently, a month long stay as a psych patient, to figure this simple statement out and own it as a truth.
Its as obvious as saying that alcohol and drug abuse are bad. Sure you know it, but it isn't until someone says:
"(Those) emotionally dependent upon alcohol or drugs (have the) foundation of (their every) relationship (in) on emotional quicksand. Whatever progress you think you are making as a (person or couple) today will tend to unravel in the future. The reason is that addiction or even psychological dependence on a substance will alter a person's capacity for certain feeling states that are essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. Feelings, like empathy, curiosity, spiritual appreciation, and deference will usually become numbed. Othermore stimulating motivations like pride, dominance, and hyper-reaction will tend to be overemphasized instead." (Adapted from Virginia Satir's The Four Most Toxic Syndromes in a Marriage).
For me, its a smack my head moment. Of course! Why didn't I know this sooner. Again, simply put, you don't know what you don't know. I had no idea that such horrible and horrific events didn't ruin everyone's life. In fact, I've spent the last couple of months mystified that my fellow bereaved mothers can continue on. I've been even more concerned that people who knew and loved Maddie could continue on.
Of course, the real mystery is how I have gotten through life so far without developing a single effective coping mechanism for such tragic loss. My hypothesis is that some of us end up with PTSD or as pysch patients or with chemical dependencies or some other mental imbalance because we aren't capable (mentally, emotionally or psychologically) of reacting any other way to life's most horrible events. And we assume that anyone else in our situation would have had the same reaction, taken on the same imbalance and are confused that the great big world of "they" don't seem to see it our way.
The second part of my hypothesis is that the more tragedy we, the imbalanced, have experienced, the more likely each tragedy will tear our lives more and more apart.
But now FREEDOM!!! my whole world changed today - it doesn't have to be this way! Once I realized this, I immediately envisioned a mental file cabinet in which I can store all of these amazing coping mechanisms I have learned in therapy. And when (not if) the next tragedy comes around, I can access this file cabinet and deal with it as a well adjusted adult.
I do not have to be emotionally absent. I do not have to be aggressive or defensive or deceptive about how I am really feeling. I do not have to be afraid or ashamed that something horrible happened in which I had no control. I now get it - that is just life. And sometimes life sucks. A lot. And unfortunately, grief and tragedy are a part of life. And we can't control it. But we can work really hard and coach (not control) ourselves through the worse life has to offer and choose to deal with it in a way that leads to a productive, well adjusted and happy life.
For me, intense therapy was the only path for me to start to return to a path of productive, well adjusted and happy. One more week before they release me to try all of this theory out on real life. Thank you for all of your support - I am hopeful that I am ready to start supporting my friends and family again.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Good Riddance 2011
Seems like 2011 was the longest and worst year of our lives. Good riddance. Time to move on, move forward and start to restake my claim on this thing called life.
If you are a follower of this blog, you know that in the past months I have struggled extreme depression, suicidal ideations and life in general. And i'm exctied to write this blog today and announce that I feel better. Not perfect. Not healed but better. Almost normal.
Being a psych patient (just found out that this wasn't blatantly obvious to some) over the last few weeks has helped me tremendously. Being on this side of the treatment, I am grateful I have the opportunity and resources to attend this program. I regret that mental health programs have so much stigma attached to them because I can see the benefit in the idea of everyone going through a month intense therapy - I wish i had done it sooner.
My family still has a lot of healing to do. We still have a lot of grieving to do. But more then anything, I have started to learn how to be sad and how to grieve without feeling the world around me fall completely apart. Luke and I are relearning how to laugh together again - to truly enjoy each other's company. I held a beautiful 2 day old baby this afternoon and was just filled with joy. Dillan continues to be amaze everyone and seems to be responding well to my increased attention and energy.
I don't know what this year will bring. A large part of me hopes it brings another Spence baby to our home. I believe we are still walking in the valley - just starting to believe that there will be mountain tops ahead of us.
And did I mention that we finally have smart phones? Hooray!!!
If you are a follower of this blog, you know that in the past months I have struggled extreme depression, suicidal ideations and life in general. And i'm exctied to write this blog today and announce that I feel better. Not perfect. Not healed but better. Almost normal.
Being a psych patient (just found out that this wasn't blatantly obvious to some) over the last few weeks has helped me tremendously. Being on this side of the treatment, I am grateful I have the opportunity and resources to attend this program. I regret that mental health programs have so much stigma attached to them because I can see the benefit in the idea of everyone going through a month intense therapy - I wish i had done it sooner.
My family still has a lot of healing to do. We still have a lot of grieving to do. But more then anything, I have started to learn how to be sad and how to grieve without feeling the world around me fall completely apart. Luke and I are relearning how to laugh together again - to truly enjoy each other's company. I held a beautiful 2 day old baby this afternoon and was just filled with joy. Dillan continues to be amaze everyone and seems to be responding well to my increased attention and energy.
I don't know what this year will bring. A large part of me hopes it brings another Spence baby to our home. I believe we are still walking in the valley - just starting to believe that there will be mountain tops ahead of us.
And did I mention that we finally have smart phones? Hooray!!!
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