Why I Write

Recently, my therapist asked me what it would take to come out of this deep dark place. a desert island, with a slew of a servants, a sumo wrestler that i could regularly beat the shit out of, a nothing but free time to alternate between napping, grieving and writing.

But mostly it is about the writing.  When i started this blog, we were naive.  this was merely a means to keep our extended family and friends updated on "Baby J" and Dillan, our perfect little lives and shamelessly solicit some baby toys and clothes.

When we were diagnosed, I found myself hopelessly alone.  There are so many amazing mothers in the blogosphere, but i found it really difficult to find my heartache reflected in their writing.  There is a time for hope, there is a time for prayer and for joy and for not giving up.  But there is also a time for real, hard facts.  There is also a time to examine the dark twisty places.  By publicly sharing what i've learned about birth defects and infant death, without sugar coating, helps other moms.  Publicly sharing my worst moments, the darkest places that my mediocre writing can access, lets other moms know they are not alone.

So yes, much of what i write is hard to read.  Its a shitty place to be.  I understand that my story elicits a certain amount of sympathy.  empathy maybe.  from some, pity.  but as much as i am a narcissistic, attention seeking head case, I don't write to garner more support.  If you knew my family, my friends, my own sense of self worth, you would also know what an amazing support network i have.

i write because knowing that you aren't crazy and that you aren't alone is a priceless gift when your world falls apart.  my grief eaters  (http://sandyspencebabies.blogspot.com/2011/09/grief-eaters.html) have served and continue to serve that purpose well.  and i receive so many emails from other moms, all at various places in this journey, all of whom appreciate my unique ability to be precise and even rude, when sharing the details of this train wreck.

there are a lot of people i wish i could block from reading what i write. my colleagues.  my students.  my future employers.  everyone whose has had the audacity to be an asshole this past year to me and my family.  but then i would risk failing to be there for the one person who i truly want to reach - me a year ago.

i need to write because i need to know that when parallel me looses everything, she can find me.  she can reach out to me.  She can know she has a friend.

Parallel Me

Somewhere out there, there is a parallel me.  A Lisa whose hair doesn't frizz 5 seconds after straightening.  Whose has a style that consist of more then "the target sales rack".  She isn't still carrying 15 pounds of baby weight, swearing she's working on it - meanwhile she's oscillating between binges at the gym and Jack in the Box.  Her nails are manicured, her pores are small.  She isn't afraid to wear skirts, even on windy days.  She owns at least one pair of designer jeans and never wears granny panties.

She married the love of her life, has a challenging and fulfilling career and two beautiful children, with hope of more of the way.  She doesn't have any tattoos, let alone three memorial tattoos.  She can exchange more then two words with her husband without it dissolving into a rage filled power struggle.  She knows, generally speaking, what the next 5, 10, 15, or 20 years of her life will look like and isn't deeply depressed at the idea of living the suburban stereotype.  She stills believes she can change the world.

Her best friends call to talk politics or movies or whatever normal girls talk about.  Her phone never rings at 1 in the morning so she can spend 3 hours sobbing with a woman she's never met who just lost her child.

She goes to church and know that her God really does love her.  She is never overwhelmed by how much she really does want to believe in a merciful loving God who answers prayers, but is constantly reminded that he completely failed to listen while we prayed for Maddie and has since abandoned her completely.  She has no idea that he is mean and angry and heartless.  That even under grace, he is still the God of the old testament and is pouring forth a portion of his wrath, right now, on top of her head. (keep your rhetoric to yourself if you are tempted to respond to that one).

She is kind and giving and balanced.  She has no idea that the second year after a child's death is suppose to be much harder - there is no longer enough numbness or denial to hold onto.  Just a vast emptiness.  And she isn't struggling every day to figure out what can possibly fill that emptiness, meanwhile dragging everyone she loves along on a crazy heartbreaking train wreck that may not end well, if it ever does.

She does not suffer from depression or PTSD or existential crises.  She isn't being ironic when her FB post reads "fender bender today - worse day ever".

Or even if she isn't all of this, she knows she has Dillan and that should be enough.  And she isn't filled with gut-wrenching guilt that he isn't and she still needs more...from herself, from the world, from life.

I hate parallel me, but l also envy her so.  Simple stupid bitch.

Maddie's First Birthday

Here are some pictures of the Candle lighting ceremony
we held on Maddie's 1st birthday.  Click on the picture to
be redirected to the photo album.

Thank you to everyone who came out.

NICU Donation Drop

we received so many precious donations. Thank you. Some of the stuff from amazon didn't have a gift card, so i don't know who they came from. and i don't have my shit together enough to ever send thank you cards. but thank you. so much. Lisa Ellison, Sara Sparks, Nicole Miller, BaaBaaBlankies.com, Megan Skaggs, Jenell Costello Cline, Aubin Bryant, Doree Post, Aundrea Meadows Hudgens, all my Naked Babies, our families and so many more that i'm forgetting right now (oh crap, now this sounds like an acceptance award).


I will post more pictures when we have the donations washed and packaged and ready to go.  Then hopefully we will get a chance to take some pictures at the hospital tomorrow.

Brena and Lily helping get our donations ready

Candle Lighting for Maddie

All are welcome to a candle lighting ceremony to celebrate and remember the 1st birthday of Madelyn Erin Spence.

July 5th  2012  8pm at  Laguna Grand park, Seaside

Please bring poems, music, blessings and prayers to be shared during the ceremony.