Entertainment Therapy

I'm not sure if I have shared this publicly before or not, but I have a history of depression. Looking back, I can clearly see the times in my past when a depressive episode has ruled my world. I never really accepted it (who wants to claim a sickness that no one can see, diagnosis or deal with? just makes you a victim right?) until after I returned from Iraq and had some pretty intense PTSD. My PTSD mostly presented itself as rage or depression or self-destructive behavior, so I spent quite some time really mad, really sad or really drunk. Eventually I went on medication, started therapy and got both the PTSD and depression to a manageable place. (as a side note - i rarely drink anymore either)

Then Maddie got diagnosed. By the time she was born, my motivation to engage with the world in any way (except as it related to helping Maddie) was gone. By the time she was two weeks old, the uncontrollable rage had returned. But what do you do with rage when you are sitting in an NICU 12 hours a day? I use to hope that someone would honk at me as I limped across the crosswalk in front of the hospital - that way I could very loudly, maybe even physically, explain to them that there are sick people around hospitals and it takes more time to cross the street after you've just had major surgery. Never happened though. In the days before Maddie died, I had made appointments to start seeing therapist and figure out a way to safely medicate the depression/rage/PTSD away while still being able to produce usable breastmilk. I had joined the gym at UCSF so that I could start finding outlets for my energy.

after Maddie died, I spent the first few weeks unmedicated. I needed to feel my grief and it was ok to be completely immersed in it because we had so much help. I've been back on anti-depressants. I will be on them for a while, especially since I can barely function most days even with them. I still grieve, but its not constant and I am able to do the things my family needs me to do, even if I don't do anything as well as I use to.

So one of my doctors has "prescribed" entertainment therapy. Basically, I force myself to engage in "normal" behavior that I would have really enjoyed before Maddie died. I've taken this prescription pretty seriously and put it to use every chance i get. Most days, this just means a walk on the beach, playing at the park, or vegging out in front of the tv. It also means hours playing reasoning games on my Kindle, reading and naps. Cuddling with Dillan and dakota. Not calling anyone out of obligation, even if I still love them with all of my heart. This last week we had an impromptu girls night. last night after bible study, we talked about farting for 45 minutes and laughed so hard Bekka almost peed her pants.

The way I feel after doing something I enjoy so much last for a while, but not long enough to get me through the day. And then I still have reality. So most nights, by 10 or 11 at night, I'm lost and a lonely and beating myself up with everything I suddenly cannot manage to accomplish. I miss Maddie so much I want to die and hurt all over, like some kind of acid has been injected into my veins while my organs have all tied in knots. then i sleep, some nights better then others, and i wake up and figure out what i can do that day that will make me feel just a little bit better for just a little while and hope that Dillan will go along with whatever i have in mind for the day.

last night at bible study, our assistant pastor came and held a Q&A session with us. our bible study group is really close - they are my family. and as such, they have all suffered horrific heartbreak over Maddie's death right along with us. we warned Ro ahead of time that we would be cynical and hostile and mad. And he came and was vulnerable and honest, even if sometimes I got lost in his answers. But three things really stuck out from our conversation.

1. The first circles back to a thought I've been having a lot lately. That the only life as important as Maddie's is Dillan's life. And as I ask God and myself why Maddie suffered through her 34 days only to die, my answer is Dillan. We were meant to have Maddie as our daughter. We were meant to love her and hold her and share a lifetime with her. We just assumed it would be our lifetimes, not hers. But if Maddie had lived our lifetimes, Dillan (and any future children) would have had his life dramatically altered, perhaps in a way that would have cuased all of us more guilt and more grief over the years then even Maddie's death has and will cause.

2. Ro shared a story about a local woman who lost a baby and, in her healing, started an organization that helps troubled pregnant women. Although I'm sure she would rather have her baby, she feels as though God has given her thousands of babies and sisters through her work. Ro talked about the blessings God has in store for us. Right now, any blessing that positions itself as if to say Maddie's death was necessary is an insult. But I hold onto to hope that one day I will find myself in the midst of a blessing that would not have been otherwise and that I will be able to embrace it. Even though I would rather have Maddie and no other blessing for the rest of my life.

3. Heaven (which I have never really doubted because every fiber of my being knows that Maddie's soul is still alive and that I will one day be reunited with her) is infinite. It has no beginning, it has no present, it has no end, no tomorrow or yesterday. And Maddie is in Heaven~Ok, stay with me, here comes some circular, faith based logic bound to drive some of you crazy~And if i believe in Heaven and if I believe that I am going to Heaven and if I believe that Heaven has no timetable, then Maddie has never been separated from me. I may feel separated from her, but she has her entire family in Heaven already. She already has us and she knows her mommy and her daddy and her brother. She is playing with us right now. She has never known a moment without us because we held her as her eyes closed here and we were already there when she "opened" her eyes in heaven (yes i get the logically flaw and that by this reasoning, she has never left heaven either. but there is a beautiful narrative and a beautiful pictures that this reasoning allows my heart to embrace my daughter in a way i haven't been able to before. so you aren't allowed to look for all of the flaws in what i know to be imperfect reasoning.)

These thought doesn't relieve my grief. They don't bring me peace or make me feel better. They don't really even help me stop doubting God and his ways. But they do start to provide a context, a way to start logically organizing things in my head that I think will eventually help me move forward. When I look at my family, including my extended family, and when I look at myself, I still see all of the pain and heartbreak and longing. But I see growth from a month ago. I see healing, even though it is just a hair's breath compared to the brokenness we all feel.

Please continue to support us - most moms says that they were months were after the first 6 months. Please continue to pray for the Williams family - their baby Levi died on Friday. Please continue to pray for Maddie's NICU buddy Liam who is back in the hospital and stumping all of the doctors. Please start praying for Jessika whose baby Rowan will be born in 3 weeks with CDH. Rowan has a much grimmer prognosis then Madelyn ever had and will have a long hard fight.