Grief Eaters

I feel compelled to keep writing. Today, not because I have much to share. But because 3 beautiful babies have died in the last 3 days and their mommies are hurting so much. Because, if you do the math, 100 babies in the US have died because of CDH since Maddie died. 100 babies have also survived this defect but still have mountains to overcome. Because I talk to these other mommies and learn from them and they say that they learn from me.



I’ve been thinking a lot about suffering and God and joy and faith. And I can accept that God has called my family to walk through this grief for His purposes. I can accept that I will heal and learn and hopefully, become a woman who isn’t so paralyzed by her sins. But I can’t accept that there is a purpose for Maddie’s suffering. I don’t know of anything that makes it ok for the innocent to suffer and then die. How is anything accomplished through this?



A wonderful CDH mom sent this article to me: http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/health/2011/0607/1224298494116.html#.Tn7JFTMJGdw



In the article, she talks about Grief Eaters, people who surround mourners and absorb some of their sorrow. I love this term (for more reasons then to obvious Harry Potter reference). I have been searching for it for weeks. I think i knew i needed Grief Eaters even before Maddie died. It was one of the reasons I was so confused when everyone offered to give me “space” I love my Grief Eaters! Everyone who comments on my posts, who pour their heart out over their own grief. Everyone who tries to make things better, knowing that they will fail miserably. Everyone that I have lashed out at over the past few weeks, in person and online and on the phone. Some of you deserved to be yelled at, but you still showed up to eat my grief.



There are days when i have enough reserve to be someone else’s grief eater and it feels good. Having not walked this road, you may think that taking on someone else’s burdens right now would be too much. But it gives me strength to know that i’m not entirely useless (despite my messy house and 3 straight days without leaving bed much at all). I do think it is important to know that my definition of suffering and burden have changed pretty dramatically over the past months. There are hardships, like being broke, losing a job and getting a bad hair cut. Losing a pet or the death of an acquaintance are harder hard ships. But suffering and burdens, those are all together different.



I’m reading A Grief Observed by CS Lewis. I recommend it just as it was recommended to me. Something that causes one to suffer is all consuming. There are no breaks from it while the suffering ensues. CS Lewis compares grief to losing a limb, somehow you learn to live a new life, but it different then before and the feeling of the missing limb never quite goes away. In fact, it still causes pain or itching. Even with a prosthetic, the limb never returns. I have never lost a limb, so I don’t know if this is altogether accurate but i do know that is how my grief feels. And when it comes, I can’t bear it alone and need my grief eaters.



Please remember the families of Baby Silas, Baby Nathaniel, and Baby Brayden today. I don’t know how the social ‘cliques’ in heaven form, but if there is a CDH playgroup, i look forward to the day when I get to hug all of these babies and whisper in their ears how much they are loved and missed as they play with my Maddie.