Months ago, I wrote about the
Crisis of Faith this past year, especially Maddie's death, has caused in my life. And I'm not sure it's completely over yet, but for the moment, my faith is restored.
Before you shout Amen or roll your eyes (just depends on your perspective), I want to stress that God and I have been working really hard on this together. And the nature of my faith has changed - drastically - and will likely continue to evolve for years to come.
In reading CS Lewis book,
A Grief Observed and Angie Smith's
I Will Carry You, I was livid. Both are wonderful books and a must read during your lifetime, even if you don't know intense grief yet. But both authors refer to having a crisis of faith, both doubt God, both get mad at Him and both are restored. What made me mad was that there was no story in their restoration. They didn't explain or expound or give me anything of the logistics of their renewal in God and in their salvation.
I have tried to bridge that gap. In this blog, in my conversations and in the book I have written in my head (but not put onto paper so don't get excited), I have tried to explain the hard parts that are usually skipped in narratives. The parts that are hard to write, hard to read and hard to explain. I may fail, but I try.
Unfortunately, I can't even try this time. My faith literally came back in an instant. It took years for me to start to consider myself a "follower" of Christ, months of crisis to lose my faith and months of living with doubt, no hope and an overly healthy sense of cynicism for me to just realize that God is here.
NOthing spectacular happened. I suddenly just found that I could legitimately pray again. I could hear God's word and nothing feel slighted by it. I could sing the words of a praise song - and I mean sing. It just happened.
I don't understand why Maddie lived and died like she did. And i will continue to ask. I don't know why God didn't answer our prayers with her but do recognize all of the hundreds of thousands of times my prayers have been answered, including during Maddie's life and since she passed.
My hope as I've searched for Jesus these past months is that if my faith came back, it would come back strong enough to stand. I feel as though I have replaced a house of straw with a foundation of brick. i have laid one, maybe two bricks upon that foundation but they are solid.
I know that a fair amount of my readers are staunch atheist and that is ok with me. I firmly believe that if Jesus sought me (twice) and helped me believe in salvation (twice), that I'm either crazy or He is doing what He needs to do with you, even if you never call it faith or salvation or Christ. It may just be your ingrained ability to love and a live a moral life. Never the less, whatever you have going on spiritually or otherwise, I am open to so long as you continue to read with an open mind and heart and allow me to express myself honestly.
I know that a fair amount of my readers are very Christian and believe 99% of the dogma that comes with the territory. And thats ok too. I did, probably still do in a lot of ways I don't recognize. I do ask that you take the time to be as the Berans and challenge yourself and your small group. God does not answer all prayers, He does not work all things out for our good. Questioning God, challenging Him, asking Him why do not hurt his feelings or cause Him to abandon us. He does love us and He does work things out for His good. Praying is about spending time with God and trying to align yourself with His heart and His will. I have more to say on this issue but recognize that my soap box is bigger then I can handle right this second.
