Crisis? of faith

Again, another hard post to write.  Something I’m not sure how to say.  not sure how to put out there but need to share.  In 2005, I was “born again”.  Learned to love Jesus.  Started to walk the holy path of righteousness.  What ever you want to call it, you get the idea.  And those of you who have walked with me before then and since then can attest to the fact that my life and my behavior, probably including my fundamental nature, changed dramatically.  My salvation was so complete and so powerful that I have had very few moments where I doubted my faith.  God made his presence known so strongly then that I could no more deny his existence then I could deny that i have two big toes.  Until now.

Doubting God, lacking faith, being shook up...all normal after such a huge loss.  And, if any of you are still doubters, losing a child is the biggest and hardest loss anyone can ever experience.  And i really appreciate all of the prayers and encouragement, even from those of you who regularly say the stupidest things.

But here is the cold hard truth, almost everything I have learned about God in the past 6 years rings false right now, in this moment.  So if I continue to believe, I have to relearn my God and my understanding of him.  Perhaps this will bring me to a deeper relationship, more mature, a better person, a better Christian...who knows?  Perhaps I will learn that God does not exist and its all been a fallacy.  Every moment that I thought was real, every time i felt i heard his voice and was lead toward his will, a figment of my imagination.  I don’t know.

but i do know that i have decided to not walk through this “crisis” in silence.  I will not hide my doubts, my anger.  If you choose to follow me, you are not allowed to read my words and say “see, i told you there is no god” because i don’t have the wisdom to bring you to that conclusion.  and you are not allowed to read my blog and decided to love god simply because i have, that makes you stupid.  and you definitely are not allowed to throw cliches at me meant to “encourage me in my walk”.  please share your personal experiences.  please share with me the meanderings of your heart and your mind.  please share with me actual, Biblical wisdom, theology, background, context.

so right now, in my socks and sweats and this dog hair covered couch, i don’t understand how  a loving and merciful God can exist in a world where beautiful babies die in their parents’ arms.  in that same world where sick parents intentionally hurt or even kill their babies.   again, those of you who know me know that a few things have been true about me since i was a very small child. and the biggest truth is that i have always wanted to be a mom.  and i don’t understand how its possible that i was created with this heart for children, this very specific love for my children, that i have had since i was a very small child but still have my daughter ripped from my life.  given this horrible defect, given some hope and then, shes gone.

cause the things is, no matter how much God understands my pain and weeps besides me, he had a choice.  He chose to let his only begotten son die for all of his millions of nonbegotten (is that a word?) children.  As any (normal, healthy, stable) parent will tell you, they will do anything to keep their children safe. There is nothing I would not freely give for my children, including my salvation.  Madelyn and Dillan are it for me.  There is nothing more important in any world.  I didn’t have a choice.  I wasn’t allowed to die so that Maddie could live.  I wasn’t allowed to do anything except sit there and pray for a miracle that never came and i don’t understand why.

So here i sit trying to come to terms with her death.  Trying to understand the Christian belief that everyone has a purpose and God has his reasons.  And I have to say, it all feels like crap.  Perhaps his purpose for Maddie was to use my words to further his kingdom (took the words right out of your mouth huh?).  Well, la da dee.  Maddie was more then that to me.  And maybe one day, i’ll be better, stronger, wiser, whatever.  Keep it and give me her.  any silver lining, any positive that i can possibly imagine coming from her death pales in comparison to the reality of her alive.  all of the outcomes are less then Madelyn Erin Spence.

Perhaps his reasons are too big and complex for me to understand here on this earth - well, try me.  Break me with it God.  Put the whole weight of it on my shoulders because nothing can be bigger or harder to carry around then the grief of watching my beautiful baby fight so hard just to die.

I”m trying to understand how she is whole and healthy and happy in Heaven.  And i really do find great comfort in that image.  BUt even Jesus needed his earthly mother for 33 years before he had completed his purposes to serve at God’s right hand.  Jesus still needed to spend some time on this earth.

none of it makes sense.  none of it is ok.  there is no peace.  i am constantly tormented.  the world mocks me and my empty arms.  So where is God?  where is my unshakable faith?  what the hell are any of us suppose to do in a world where babies can die and everything you thought you knew can vanish in a moment?