Bad Things are going to happen and they don't have to ruin my life. Or yours.
This simple statement may seem, well, simple to you. But it has taken me years of therapy and more recently, a month long stay as a psych patient, to figure this simple statement out and own it as a truth.
Its as obvious as saying that alcohol and drug abuse are bad. Sure you know it, but it isn't until someone says:
"(Those) emotionally dependent upon alcohol or drugs (have the) foundation of (their every) relationship (in) on emotional quicksand. Whatever progress you think you are making as a (person or couple) today will tend to unravel in the future. The reason is that addiction or even psychological dependence on a substance will alter a person's capacity for certain feeling states that are essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. Feelings, like empathy, curiosity, spiritual appreciation, and deference will usually become numbed. Othermore stimulating motivations like pride, dominance, and hyper-reaction will tend to be overemphasized instead." (Adapted from Virginia Satir's The Four Most Toxic Syndromes in a Marriage).
For me, its a smack my head moment. Of course! Why didn't I know this sooner. Again, simply put, you don't know what you don't know. I had no idea that such horrible and horrific events didn't ruin everyone's life. In fact, I've spent the last couple of months mystified that my fellow bereaved mothers can continue on. I've been even more concerned that people who knew and loved Maddie could continue on.
Of course, the real mystery is how I have gotten through life so far without developing a single effective coping mechanism for such tragic loss. My hypothesis is that some of us end up with PTSD or as pysch patients or with chemical dependencies or some other mental imbalance because we aren't capable (mentally, emotionally or psychologically) of reacting any other way to life's most horrible events. And we assume that anyone else in our situation would have had the same reaction, taken on the same imbalance and are confused that the great big world of "they" don't seem to see it our way.
The second part of my hypothesis is that the more tragedy we, the imbalanced, have experienced, the more likely each tragedy will tear our lives more and more apart.
But now FREEDOM!!! my whole world changed today - it doesn't have to be this way! Once I realized this, I immediately envisioned a mental file cabinet in which I can store all of these amazing coping mechanisms I have learned in therapy. And when (not if) the next tragedy comes around, I can access this file cabinet and deal with it as a well adjusted adult.
I do not have to be emotionally absent. I do not have to be aggressive or defensive or deceptive about how I am really feeling. I do not have to be afraid or ashamed that something horrible happened in which I had no control. I now get it - that is just life. And sometimes life sucks. A lot. And unfortunately, grief and tragedy are a part of life. And we can't control it. But we can work really hard and coach (not control) ourselves through the worse life has to offer and choose to deal with it in a way that leads to a productive, well adjusted and happy life.
For me, intense therapy was the only path for me to start to return to a path of productive, well adjusted and happy. One more week before they release me to try all of this theory out on real life. Thank you for all of your support - I am hopeful that I am ready to start supporting my friends and family again.
I'm so glad to see you are finding the answers you need. I hope your path to happiness is a quick one.
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