Why I Write

Recently, my therapist asked me what it would take to come out of this deep dark place. a desert island, with a slew of a servants, a sumo wrestler that i could regularly beat the shit out of, a nothing but free time to alternate between napping, grieving and writing.

But mostly it is about the writing.  When i started this blog, we were naive.  this was merely a means to keep our extended family and friends updated on "Baby J" and Dillan, our perfect little lives and shamelessly solicit some baby toys and clothes.

When we were diagnosed, I found myself hopelessly alone.  There are so many amazing mothers in the blogosphere, but i found it really difficult to find my heartache reflected in their writing.  There is a time for hope, there is a time for prayer and for joy and for not giving up.  But there is also a time for real, hard facts.  There is also a time to examine the dark twisty places.  By publicly sharing what i've learned about birth defects and infant death, without sugar coating, helps other moms.  Publicly sharing my worst moments, the darkest places that my mediocre writing can access, lets other moms know they are not alone.

So yes, much of what i write is hard to read.  Its a shitty place to be.  I understand that my story elicits a certain amount of sympathy.  empathy maybe.  from some, pity.  but as much as i am a narcissistic, attention seeking head case, I don't write to garner more support.  If you knew my family, my friends, my own sense of self worth, you would also know what an amazing support network i have.

i write because knowing that you aren't crazy and that you aren't alone is a priceless gift when your world falls apart.  my grief eaters  (http://sandyspencebabies.blogspot.com/2011/09/grief-eaters.html) have served and continue to serve that purpose well.  and i receive so many emails from other moms, all at various places in this journey, all of whom appreciate my unique ability to be precise and even rude, when sharing the details of this train wreck.

there are a lot of people i wish i could block from reading what i write. my colleagues.  my students.  my future employers.  everyone whose has had the audacity to be an asshole this past year to me and my family.  but then i would risk failing to be there for the one person who i truly want to reach - me a year ago.

i need to write because i need to know that when parallel me looses everything, she can find me.  she can reach out to me.  She can know she has a friend.