Grieving in America

Today I had a great long talk with Luke's grandma.  She is 80, has lived enough life to fill several books and has an amazing love for the Lord.  A lot of what we talked about I will hold quietly in my heart.  But we talked about how when she was growing up in Ireland, people would wear black clothes and arm bands when they were grieving.  We talked about how hard it is just to live and interact while grieving and that you are not yourself.  You are not sane.  And you are exhausted.

This afternoon, I've spent some time thinking about how horrible we are at death in America.  Man, I wish i had thought to wear a black arm band this last month.  Not everyone would have gotten it, but those who did might not have looked at me so crazy when i walked through target with tear stained cheeks and crazy hair.  They may have been slower to criticize my parenting as my traumatized 2 year old threw a tantrum in the middle of the "scary" post office.

i think about how my grandfathers died - in nursing homes or hospitals.  then transported to funeral homes then to the cemetery.  how my daughter died.  i feel like we've lost some of our humanity by allowing death to become so industrialized.  in california, there are no laws that say dead bodies have to be in morgue refrigerators or funeral homes while they wait to be buried.  no laws that say you have to transport those bodies in hearses (although you do need a permit and big car to do it yourself).  no laws that say you can't bath, dress and hold your loved ones after they die.  100 years ago, taking care of our own dead was common.  showing respect and love and nurturing to their bodies was common. 

i know this is what hospice care is all about and that more and more people are doing things the "old fashioned" way.  And i think its beautiful.  i think its necessary.  but i also know its not something any of us think about until we are in crisis mode.  but having been there and seen death and kissed her lips, i can tell you it is not something to be afraid of.  it is not something to hide and let the "professionals" deal with it.  it is incredibly healing and loving and tragic to put all you have into helping someone die peacefully and comfortable and warm and safe, surround by loved ones.

i think there are some things that our great-grandparents did much better then we do.  and i think dying was one of those things.  (i also think eating is one of those things, but that's another blog/book in the making)