And I have to tell you, I'm starting to hate myself. This is not me. I'm a hopeless romantic and optimist. I make people laugh and have the strength to help others when they need me. I can take on really complicated, impossible tasks and do them better then anyone else. I move and I shake. Or at least, I use to.
For a long time now, probably longer then I care to admit but at least for several years, I haven't been these things. I've made excuses. I've rearranged my life to accommodate or hide my new "self". I've accepted that things have changed, and I'm not as capable as I was and just lowered my expectations.
But what do you do when your expectations are already so low that you can't lower them anymore? What do you do when your expectations of yourself aren't enough to get you through the day or take care of yourself or your family? What do you do when you start to feel like friendships are starting to morph from valued relationships to obligated pity and drudgery?
Well, I've stopped the ride on my Pity Party and demanded to get off. I've let me inner circle know that I need help and I'm at a breaking point.
There is a time to mourn. There is a time to be pathetic and a victim and not care that nothing is getting done. But at some time, these things have to exist simultaneously with progress and real life and love and fulfillment. Life is a gift - i'm squandering mine in depression and forcing Dillan and Luke to join me.
In the world of bereaved CDH parents, many of them are pregnant again, trying to get pregnant or already holding their beautiful angel babies. This is wonderful news and I'm so happy for them. But this means they aren't on anti-depressants. It means that there are people capable of living in a world in which their child has died without the help of drugs. These people are moving forward, making plans for the future while working through their grief.
Right now, I'm not one of those people. I am stuck. I am severely depressed and guilty and angry and helpless. I have asked for help. Tomorrow I will go see an intake counselor. In spite to my medication, therapy sessions, doctor appointments and wonderful support network, I am not healing. I am open to whatever they suggest, even if that means checking myself into an intensive inpatient program.
I have support. We have a plan and I have help. I share this because I feel like I'm the only one in the CDH community who has ever gone through this. Who is still so broken 4 months after saying goodbye. But I know I'm not. I hope this post will give someone else the courage to connect with me and let me know they have been here and they healed. I hope this post will help someone else know they are not alone and maybe one day, they can see that I've healed.
I no longer want to be Eeyore. I just want to be me again.
My heart just aches for you... But I am so glad you are strong enough to know you might need more to help you heal. Even though you probably don't feel strong, the honesty and truthfulness of your words, prove a strength not many have to face their own feelings. You continue to be a LIGHT in people's lives, even though you are in a dark place... Please take the tiniest bit of comfort knowing that...Sending my love and prayers for you and your family to make the right decisions to help you on this part of your journey...
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI was so sorry to read about Maddie. I honestly have no idea how you could've gone through such hardship and still be able to continue functioning. My heart really aches for you and your family and I command you for telling people how you feel, it's a sign of strength of character and who knows, it maybe your first step towards healing. I think you are entitled to take as much time as you need, 1 year, 2 years...You will find yourself again Lisa,just give yourself time to grieve. I cannot give you any perfect advice, but I would recommend a break away. When we found out about Robert having CDH as well, I became depressed. I am also a positive person and couldn't recognise myself. I couldn't even care for Alina to be honest, it was difficult to get our of bed. We went to visit my husband's parents for a week. They live in the countryside with not very good internet connections. I turned my phone off and went for long walks and grieved for my baby boy who I am not sure will make it. I am not 100% ok now but at least I am at peace with myself. I am not sure if this helps. We are thinking of you and we're here for you.
Lots of hugs from the UK.
Ingrid ( Alina's mom)
Lisa I can promise you that you are not the only one in the CDH community to go through these feelings. I went through much of the same, and it really too, me a year to start to 'feel' again. The fact that you are recognizing you need help is amazing! You will heal, but it take a long time, and the hurt will never be gone. But you can heal enough to 'live' again. I know it sucks, but the only thing to get you through is time, four months is hardly anytime at all, I promise! I don't even remember anything from the first six months. It was then when I felt as though the 'cloud' was gone from my shoulders. Let yourself grieve, and grieve as much as you want to, as hard as you need to, and let yourself feel the pain. The pain shows you just how much you love Maddie. Please let me know if I can do ANYTHING for you!
ReplyDeleteMany prayers coming your way girlie!
Lisa, I commend you for your honesty. The sad truth is, people tend to hide the feelings that you are expressing. They try to pretend that everything is OK, when a little honesty would do everyone good. You will never be the same person...having a child with CDH changes us all. But, you will move forward and find joy and acceptance at your own pace. I'm praying for you!
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