I wish I were me

Well, we are keeping our chins up.  And working on hard to find good reasons to laugh.  I am still pretty freaking hilarious. 

Today was my first day of the partial hospitalization program.  I think it will be a good program overall but expect to have good days and bad days.

A few years ago I helped a friend check into rehab for drugs and alcohol.  Over 48 hours, I got a crash course in insurance, rehab programs, recovery options, disability and all of the in and outs that go along with an entirely new world.  It was hard work - medically, financially and logistically speaking - work that my friend later admitted that he would never have been able to do on his own.  Work that his family wasn't capable of doing at the time.  Work that, left undone, would have prevented him from successfully completing rehab (still sober by the way).  At that time, in that moment, I was the only one who could do what he needed done.

Sometimes I wish I were me so that I had someone to take care of me that way.  On the surface, i'm basically a full time working mom right now.  Thousands of full time moms are perfectly capable of being awesome at work and coming home and being awesome at home.  These past few weeks, as my depression has increased, so has the number of tasks and appointments (and babysitters) needed to get me into a mental health program that will actually help me deal with this crisis.  There have been roadblocks, overlong appointments, medication request denied and so much more. 

But i'm not me and i don't have me to take care of me.  Everything that has needed to happen has happened.  I am in the program and things are getting taken care of - medically, financially and logistically speaking.  Even broken as I am, I can still move small mountains when I need to.

I am not whining.  Again, I am writing to the unknown someone who may some day read this.  To the someone whose child has died (or is sick) and overnight, their wife is a different woman.  She needs your help.  She needs you to make the calls, arrange child care and make dinner.  She needs you to decrease her load, even though it is unfair and you already do so much.  She needs you to trust that some day she will be able to do it again, but only if you help her help herself.