With everything I have, I am willing her alive. And a few weeks ago, when my depression was at its strongest and I became suicidal, I was completely unable to accept that she is gone and not coming back. If Maddie is gone, then everything I have done and felt since she died is not really about her - mostly it is about me. And I think it is repulsive to make my child's death into something selfish and narcissistic. But its true, at least somewhat true.
I don't think it is an all or nothing thing, but right now I don't know healthy grieving limits. It is all consuming, hard work that is interfering with my day to day life and my ability to move forward. I don't know how long this paralyzing phase is healthy for others, but for me, I need to move past this phase because it has become unhealthy.
I have to accept that Maddie is gone. That it isn't my fault. I can not change anything. These three things are mountains I need to find a way to wrap my arms around. Just now, typing that mountain line, I got this visual, only with a mountain instead of a globe:
I guess I'm saying that I am really making progress in my hospital program - learning a lot and identifying huge issues that need to be worked through. But I am still very dependent on the program, my meds, my family, my friends and all of you. The only way I will ever be able to see around these mountains is creating a "circle" around each mountain. I feel frail and weak - like a deer on new legs.
Here reading... and holding you up each in our own way until your legs are stronger. Glad to hear that you are feeling some progress in this unimaginably heartbreaking process.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Lisa.
Corinne, mama to Samuel
When I look at this image, I see you in the middle. You have a circle of support around you...may you find strength in the prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI remember this feeling well. It was when I was working through these feelings that I had to keep telling myself that "it would get better". For a long time I didn't believe it but if for a second I thought I would feel that way for another 5, 10 years I wouldn't have had the strenght to do it.
Telling myself that it would get better was one of the few ways to keep going, to keep appearing strong.
I had a lot of moments where my family were often worried months later (I think the 9 month mark was the last 'intervention').
One of the other things that kept me going was wondering how sad I would make my boys if they knew that their existance (and what it represented) resulted in so much pain and heartache. I knew I had to stay alive and happy for them, so that they would know that they weren't the cause of so much badness.
I very much hope your doing better and that the future quickly brings you peace.
Renee