Plurality of Man

So i just reread this, and i'll warn you, I'm in a cynical mood and this is not a happy blog.

Paul the Apostle talks about being a slave to sin and not wanting to be in Romans 7. Its a verse I've really struggled to understand over the years.

The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. Romans 7:14-21 NLT


And i have to say, that is about how I feel about myself right now. I want to be excited that it's almost time to meet my little girl.  Most people have the same reaction when they ask and hear that her due date is just around the corner - aren't you so excited!  almost time! bet you can't wait.  And biologically, I want to be done being pregnant.  No doubt about that.  But I still want to scream - DON"T YOU GET IT????  shes safe inside of me.  she doesn't have to have surgery or tubes or medicine or feel pain or anything.  she loves the sound of my voice right now and pushing her butt up against my touch.  all of that changes the second she is delivered.  there is an evil lurking inside of her that is going to make her hurt and shes going to go through more in her first 30 days then most of us will in a normal lifetime.  so i can relate to Paul - I want to feel so excited and happy and anxious but I can't.  when i want to feel what is "normal", I inevitably feel scared and overwhelmed. 

its only within the last few weeks that i've become optimistic enough to believe the statistics the doctors have been given us all along and that she will actually come home one day.  i'm no where near feeling ready or happy about helping my baby girl and my family through this process.  My love for Maddie is not diminished becuase of the CDH, if anything, just the opposite.  But my fear of her battle against CDH is so great that I can't get beyond it and start feeling what is "normal".

So onto my next rant - 1000 Letters for Maddie.  I'm going to postpone this goal inevitably.  It was a great goal for me to set and a cause I still believe in wholeheartedly.  And it was a cause I needed to focus on for a few weeks when things were really impossible for me to wrap my head around. But the amount of effort I put into it versus the response I got was disappointing.  Not from you - i'm sure if you are still reading this blog you supported us by sending in at least 1 letter for CDH babies.  I've decided that I need to carry forward under the delusion that everyone I know and love and have some sort of contact with will actually support us through this entire process, even if it takes years.  Being reminded that printing, signing and sending in a letter is too much shatters my delusion and i'm not ready for that either.  It may be months or even years, but for right now, I'm going to focus on getting ready for 1000 Kisses all over sweet little Maddie.