I wish I didn’t know

I wish i didn’t know everything I learned about CDH. i wish i had never heard of it. i wish i didn’t know the best places to park, sleep and eat at UCSF. i wish we never had to go there. i wish i didn’t yearn the for the sounds and smells of the NICU. i wish you were still there. i wish i didn’t know that you never had your nails cut, although you were getting close. i wish i didn’t know that you never slept a night in my arms. i wish i didn’t know all of the times we never got to spend together, all of the things we never got to do together, all of the love we never got to pour out onto you. i wish i didn’t know how to take your temperature just right, suction your mouth or pad your sensitive skin against all of the tubes and wires. i wish i didn’t know how to hold you without dislodging a chest tube or accidentally extubating you.

i wish i had stayed and held you that night, all night. i wish i didn’t know that nothing special happens when someone dies in your arms - the air doesn’t change, the lights don’t flicker, the world doesn’t stop spinning. i wish i didn’t know exactly how much an infant coffin weighs, both empty and full. i wish i didn’t know how it feels to go crazy for a while. i wish i didn’t know how amazing our family can be and how much they all love you. i wish i didnt know how completely hurtful and mean some people can be because your death scares them so badly. i wish i didn’t know what it sounds like when your daddy sobs, your brother says he misses you and the house doesn’t fill with your cries.

i wish i didn’t know which books to read, what words to write, which tears to cry. i wish i didn’t know that i have to try to heal, move on, be happy because none of that is possible without you. i wish i didn’t know what it feels like to lose your faith and hope every day that it comes back but knowing it won’t because a loving and just God wouldn’t have let you suffer like that only to die. I wish I didn’t know all of the things i’ve learned since we found out you were sick. Since you died. Since you aren’t coming back. i wish i didn’t know this heartbreak. but i am so very grateful to have carried you and made you and kissed you and held you and loved you.