Today we received a brief call from Maddie’s neonatologist. This is a woman I will forever love and respect. She fights so hard for every baby under her care, but she fought especially hard to keep Maddie alive.
She called to let us know that the circumstances surrounding Maddie’s death are under review. They are going to see if procedures to validate the use of PICCs lines in neonates are still valid – making sure that the PICCs lines are in the right place and able to effectively deliver the fluids to the right place. They are also going to review the equipment itself and see if new advances in medical equipment may prevent this from happening again. It will take several months for us to hear the results, but I’m really hopeful that their proactive approach will prevent another family from losing their baby.
Maddie should have lived. She was getting stronger and was making progress. They did everything right, but the PICC line still failed. If it hadn’t, today I would be telling you about holding her. Bathing her. Maybe feeding her. Maybe talking about bringing her home soon. She would be 7 weeks old today. But none of that will ever happen. If they can make sure another baby doesn’t die the same way, that will be something to help us take comfort in our loss.
What a beautiful soul you have - Maddie must be so proud of you! Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Jennifer
Mom to Dakota 12-25-2008
RCDH survivor
I just accidentally stumbled across your blog, but wanted to express my sympathies nonetheless. I'm truly so sorry for your loss!!! I have two little girls, one only 5 months old. I had a miscarriage before my second daughter, and it was a pretty devastating experience for me. It may not be the same as losing a child you've held in your arms, but it felt like such a loss to me. We had felt pretty strongly when we got pregnant that there was a little girl ready to join our family. So, when I got pregnant we felt sure it was a girl, and we called her by name and all. So, when I lost her, I really felt like I had lost a child. And it was really awful that so many people felt like it was no real loss, or no big deal, or that 2-3 weeks after I should be all happy again. It's painful when people brush your grief aside, or when there is no place to mourn and talk of the child you're missing so deeply.
ReplyDeleteThese things are so heart-wrenching, and I think sometimes hard to understand for people who have not experienced the loss of a child. I hope you can find peace at some point, and that you're surrounded by supportive, loving people. I cannot imagine something worse than burying your child. I'm truly sorry you couldn't keep your little Maddie longer, and that your son will not grow up with his little sister. I'm sorry that you won't see Maddie rolling over, sitting up, crawling, taking first steps, talking, singing, playing, going to school...All of it.
Please know that random people in the world carry your grief with you, for at least a few moments.
And for what it's worth, I really believe that we will be reunited with our children in the next life. I really think there is a God, our Heavenly Father, watching tenderly over us, and he would not inflict such pain as a permanent separation of parents and children. I just don't believe it. You will hold your Maddie in your arms again, one day. I'm sure of it. It'll just be a really long time until that day comes.